Well, the series isn’t over but it’s not looking good. Two losses with one game to go—and I’m disappointed, because our defense hasn’t been as stellar as usual and our offense has been, well, sad. It’s awful in the S-Mob household when the boys are losin’, folks. I see their cute lil faces all sad n’ stuff, and I just wanna comfort them…..
(I completely skipped over Pittsburgh, even though there are some cuties on that team, because what can you say about a team that has a pierogie as a mascot? I thought the Nationals were dorky–the pierogie with a purse outdorks the Presidential puppets by a loooooong way, my friends. Ah well. We’ll return to the hotness of the ‘burghians some other time.)
Back to San Diego. Game One–Can we talk about Rudy Seanez? The man may be old, and may have played for every damn team in the universe like an old ho making the rounds of the cathouses, but he’s got the hotness working. Witness the classic moment when he let the Padre whose name I cannot spell steal a base and the camera did a closeup only to see him mouthing the words “mother fucker”. Vin said something like “he’s muttering to himself” (uh, I think the entire baseball universe knew what he said, but ok.)
Let’s also talk about Jeff Kent right here. I am torn when it comes to Mr. Kent, no doubt about it. Jeff reminds me of that hot guy every girl dates—the one who’s totally in love with himself, who believes he is such hot shit that every date he gives you is a favor granted, who doesn’t open the door for you, who flirts with your best friend, who tells you your ass is fat and who yawns when you’re having a crisis. You know you still call that guy every once in a while, because you need a loan and he’s the only guy you’ve ever dated who had money, and…..ok you get the idea. That’s Jeff Kent to me. When he was having that little slump recently I was gloating but when the chips were down, I was yelling “Come on Kent, hit one for me baby.” It’s pathetic huh? He’s got a great head of hair, by the way. He needs to loan Gonzo some of that hair. Gonzo, I still love you but it’s time to shave whatever’s left and call it a day.
The Padres have their fair share of hotness, but I was unable to look anywhere but first base. Adrian Gonzalez has never struck me as sexy before, but something about that 90s goatee….I would be remiss if I didn’t confess that Mr. S-Mob has a similar goatee which he’s been warned not to shave off under pain of death. Yo, Adrian….Vin kept referring to your family’s plumbing business that’s been in San Diego for three decades. Honey, you can come clean out my pipes anytime. And I won’t complain about plumber’s ass either, you can be sure of dat.
Back to my D-men: let’s hope we can stop the bleeding tonight before we slide even further down the list. Can someone remind me why we paid all that money for Juan Pierre? Sorry Juan, I love ya, but please show me the money.
